The good, the bad and the dom - BDSM part 2

Hey my little devils!

So I was very happy to see how many reactions my last post about BDSM, especially on Instagram (please post below in the comments i will help the dialog going).

So today we will stay on the BDSM subject, meaning I am not talking here about physical pain (=sexual masochism/sadism which is NOT the same thing as BDSM).

But then what are we talking about?

We are talking about psychological role playing. Sometimes the "scene" as some call it ( there is such a various vocabulary don't hesitate to share yours) won't involve pain at all.

Ok but... then what are you doing?

Well it depends, once again there is no "one size fits all" situation. That's also one of the major advantages of BDSM, it's literally like having a full menu of all the kinks imaginable and picking what you like/would like to taste.

So before getting in more specific details about some of the play involved in the BDSM discipline, I would like to talk a little bit about it's community.

First of all, i'll explain a few things that you might not know if you're not already part of this community:

1. Usually the submissive will be dominant in real life.

So we are talking business men, presidents, men/women with power or pressure in their everyday life (funnily enough surgeons are mostly dominant, we'll get back to this one). 
So why are they becoming submissive in the bedroom?

Well as BDSM works as a kind of cathartic experience, being able to completely let go and let the power to somebody else can be extremely liberating.

Be careful though, there is a very big difference between what happens in the bedroom and what happens in real life. 

2. Usually the dominant will be submissive in real life.... or not

So the contrary isn't necessarily true.. but often is. It really depends, it's all about balance in your personal vs. sexual life. I will try to explain as many concepts as possible but always keep in mind that everybody is different and labelling too much means that you are reducing people in specific categories when it's way more nuanced than that.

So somebody who has a lot of pressure will often like to be submissive in order to release it or... dominant!

So, before i get into the sub part of the article I will explain a little more what a REAL (male) dom is. (we'll go in a whole other article about Dominatrix and theirs slaves).

3.Real Dom?

Ok so you're going to have to be very attentive on this one: a real dominant is NOT a brute.

It is in fact, quite the gentleman. 

I will go into details of the psychology behind some scenes that can be pretty shocking for the "vanilla" eye. But this is just our second article on BDSM so I want to clarify each concept before going any further.

So a real male dominant is extremely caring and attentive to his subs needs. The key here is communication and respecting boundaries. But depending on the type of play you are into, there is some knowledge involved.

Knowledge ? what the?

Yes because some plays such as suffocation, shibari or "regular" bondage can become pretty dangerous if you don't know what you are doing. This is also why there are phases that we call "training". It goes sub or dom training, but still you're learning the ropes (bwahaha).

This is why I would always advise reading a lot or even asking the help of some experienced dominants, whereas it is talking or participating in plays/scenes/whatever-you're-calling-it that will help you understand the do's/don'ts of BDSM.

Then again, remember that you can absolutely pick whatever you like. Having a good dom means that before engaging in further play you will discuss about all your fantasies but also all your limits. Respecting your boundaries while pushing your limits, in a safe and respectful (yet kinky) environment, this is what you have to keep in mind when you think about BDSM.

Soooo now I would like to adress the problem of the "bad doms".

4. Bad doms? 

So there is a very healthy way to do this. But there are also a lot of people who will call themselves doms in order to manhandle women and they do tarnish the image of what a real dom does.

So a real dom will be a giver, he gives much more than what he receives. A "bad dom" will not be attentive when their sub gives their limits and this is where it goes all wrong.

Because pushing certain experiences when you're not ready can be pretty traumatising and it is certainly not the point of that discipline.

Beware, the power play is reserved for the bedroom. If you play in real life remember to set your boundaries as this can easily become a toxic narcissistic relationship if you're not setting the rules.

I'll give you a little example:

A woman who likes dirty talk or being submissive in bed will, most of the time, not allow being disrespected in her everyday life. Again, boundaries.

So remember that you need to stay and feel safe at all times. If you are not then you are not picking the right partner(s) to explore this and it could become dangerous.

Let me know what you think about this second intro to BDSM.

Kinkily yours,

Red

 photoshoot by Sylvie Aflalo